you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
