just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
