so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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