I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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