apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
