i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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