then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
