Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
