Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
