Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
