took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize