Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
