We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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