he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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