I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
