Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
