Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
