too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
