I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
