Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
