I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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