Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
