i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
