I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
