he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
