Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
