watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
