I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Randomize
