Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
