Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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