OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
