1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
