I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
