im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
