am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize