when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize