When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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