Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize