in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
