he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
