This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
