Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Randomize
