no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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