oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
