9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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