i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
