Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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