there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
