I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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