The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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