watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Randomize