my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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