Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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