that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
