I don't think brook has ever known best
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize