I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
