you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
